My First Meeting with Ayahuasca – A Journey Back to Myself

In 2021, at the height of the COVID-19 pandemic, I found myself in Costa Rica with my oldest and closest friend, Daniel. But I wasn’t just escaping the lockdowns or the chaos of the world — I was, in truth, escaping the internal chaos that had been growing inside me for years.

From the outside, life looked good. I had success, I was running my own business, I was in a relationship, and I seemed to have it all together. But inside, I was deeply disconnected. I hadn’t truly felt my emotions for years. I was sad. I was restless. And I was tired of pretending everything was okay.

I had considered seeing a psychiatrist, and maybe I should have. But I also knew myself well enough to realize that I’d have a hard time truly letting go and opening up in that setting. I’m in control — always have been — and that control had become both my shield and my prison. I needed something more radical. Something that could shake me loose from the patterns I was stuck in.

That’s when Daniel — who had been on his own healing journey — invited me to join him at an ayahuasca ceremony. It was held over two nights near a place called Blue Spirit in Nosara. I had never tried psychedelics. I didn’t smoke, rarely drank, and the idea of surrendering to a plant medicine was both terrifying and oddly… necessary.

Night One - Cleansing

The first night was intense, but not in the way I expected. I didn’t see visions or receive cosmic messages. What I got was something much more primal: a full-body cleanse. I was sweating, purging, going to the bathroom, and feeling deeply intoxicated by the medicine. There were no fireworks or revelations — just a humbling process of physical release. My body was letting go of something old, something stuck. And even though it wasn’t “beautiful,” it was exactly what I needed.

Night Two – “Before and After”

The second night changed my life.

That evening, the medicine took me deep. I was shown episodes from my life — memories I hadn’t visited in decades. I felt the weight of my past, the pain I hadn’t allowed myself to feel, the masks I had been wearing to survive. Then, something shifted. I broke through.

They call it ego death. A spiritual death. And that’s exactly what it felt like — letting go of everything I thought I was. The control. The identity. The “Thomas” I had carefully built over a lifetime. It all dissolved.

And in the middle of that terrifying unraveling, I felt something else: peace. Not the kind you fake or hope for. A deep, raw peace that came from surrender. I met myself there. The real me. The man beneath the surface. The boy I had abandoned. The soul I had forgotten.

There is a Thomas before that night. And there is a Thomas after.

Not a Recommendation – Just My Story

I want to be very clear: this is not a recommendation to try psychedelics. Ayahuasca is powerful, unpredictable, and not for everyone. It demands respect. It requires the right setting, the right support, and deep preparation.

This is not a shortcut. It’s not a trend. It’s medicine — and it can be deeply healing, but also incredibly intense.

I share this story because it’s part of my journey. It was the beginning of a new chapter for me — one where I started to reconnect with my emotional self, embrace vulnerability, and begin healing from within. It gave me the courage to look at my life honestly and start showing up more authentically — as a man, a partner, a friend, and a human being.

If you're a man walking through a crisis, feeling numb, or just tired of pretending — you're not alone. My journey didn’t start with ayahuasca. It started with a longing to come back to myself. Ayahuasca was one tool, one portal, one wake-up call.

The real work began the day after. And it continues.

Let’s keep walking.